Thursday, March 12, 2015


Most of these pictures were taken accidentally on my iPhone, but I needed pictures for the post. Do not judge.
Imagine...need there be more words?

Curled up on my bed reading when sister snapped this. I hate when people snap unexpected pictures...but I do it too.

The thrill of walking into a store all alone, the thrill of being the babysitter, the thrill of being mistaken for a grownup. It is all still so real for me. I still get that queasy excitement every time it hits me; I am not really a kid anymore. I laugh at my reflection, that's not me, but it is. Of course, I am probably the only person who feels this way. I am not ready to grow up, but I am here. I have never been ready to grow up. Not that I still play with Mr. Potato Head, suck my thumb, and watch Clifford... I just don't want to give it all up. I don't want to give up that magical world that little kids live in; that world of princesses, bugs, and fast-food playgrounds. I want to still be part of it, but it slips higher and higher into the shapeless sky like a balloon until it is gone. I can feel it vanishing through thin air, evaporating, leaving me behind. Grownups have a world of their own of course, but somehow I do not like that world very much. It is so new, but so disappointing. 

On April 1 I will be 16. Just like all the other pieces of growing up, this is intoxicatingly unreal to me. Every birthday I give up my old age with a slight ache knowing I am giving it up forever, but I also meet my new year with a slither of excitement. When I think 16 I think princess, beauty, meaning. 16. Doesn't it sound so old and fascinating? It sends shivers all over me. I do not want to be 16, not yet...I have too many goals to meet before that perilous age...but it is coming fast and none of those goals have been met.

My friends and family welcomed my 15th year with a surprise party. I loved them all for it, for being there, and for caring about me. One birthday card actually made me cry. What can I say? I'm an emotional teen girl. In someways it seems like days ago and in someway it seems like centuries ago that I walked into the kitchen and they all yelled, "Surprise!" and I was 15.

old favorite
Another one

Hate posting selfies but I was trying to get a picture of my eye and somehow half my face got in there too.

I have a confession to make. I have very few friends who are 15. To be honest, I do not know what an average 15 year old is like...15 does not sound extraordinary, but my 15th year was different than all the other years, very different. I learned so much. Not sure if it's worth sharing or not, but here goes.

Those Things I Learn

~there are hundreds of pieces of the world I will never fathom, never understand, at least not on earth.
~ I pay way to much attention to what others think about me, but it is in those sort of rare moments when I focus on Christ that I am happiest
~ some things change and some things never do...yep. 
~ God still works miracles... insane, impossible, beautiful miracles. For example, my writing a book in a month. It is a choppy, sad little novel but God makes sad things beautiful. It is my miracle book. If you knew what a slow writer I am and how little time I had, you would understand what an unbelievable miracle it is.
~ God gives and takes away. This year I found that out in big ways, and I struggled and I still struggle. I do not know why He took away things very important to me, but He did. God gives too. He gives in ways I never expected. Little ways but marvelous ways and I am so thankful for this year. Thankful for those little gifts that made it amazing.
~ no matter how different, how goofy, how mean, a person can be, they still feel pain, loneliness, grief, and joy like you do
~ Sometimes your best friends are the people that you live beside everyday, battle with, and annoy. Sometimes your best friends are your siblings. That has definitely been true for me this year. Oh, we all still argue, and bug each other but siblings are always there. Friends can leave you... but sibling are there for you through out your entire life. They will always stand by. You have a choice. Hate that or love it. 
~ music keeps me company
~ I love little kids because they see the beautiful in you when everyone else sees the wrong. They see the world so differently than we do, it is an adventure to them. They are so ignorant and still we can learn so much from them. 
~ on the outside someone can appear as insignificant as a grain of sand but in the inside they are often as precious as jewels
~ stories are everywhere; in life, in moments, in songs. Search for them. 

Posted this accidental pic because I love how the ceiling looks.

Could not resist. My little buddy.

Maybe you are nodding as you read my list already knowing everything I wrote. Kind of common sense, huh? Or maybe you are breath taken. Yeah, I did not think so, but I hope it somehow helped someone. Blogs are full of perfect pictures, perfect writers, perfect lives, but the world is not. The world is full blurry pictures, imperfect writers, broken lives, but God is still here to shine beauty on the ugly. 
So this whole growing up thing is an adventure. I am ready to take the ride. 


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